


my heart is painted green

by ajaa



Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Falling In Love, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, POV First Person, Sapnap Needs a Hug (Video Blogging RPF), Sapnap-centric (Video Blogging RPF), dnf is hinted, dream is an IDIOT, idk what else, no beta we die like wilbur, yes i used a minecraft end poem quote
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-23
Updated: 2021-01-23
Packaged: 2021-03-15 17:42:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,651
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28942410
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ajaa/pseuds/ajaa
Summary: i've heard stories about people going off to college and finding there one true love but i never expected me to be one of those people. i never expected you to be the one i fell for and i certainly didn't expect for it to fall apart like it did.or, the one where sapnap tells the story of him and dream.
Relationships: Clay | Dream/GeorgeNotFound (Video Blogging RPF), Clay | Dream/Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF), dreamnap - Relationship
Comments: 12
Kudos: 48





	my heart is painted green

**Author's Note:**

> hello! i barely proofread this but if there's any mistakes please let me know in the comments! 
> 
> also i dont know how to write anything that's not for english class so please bear with me. its not the best but i tried. 
> 
> tw // implied anxiety or panic attack

~ 

the best love stories were always the ones that started like this. sudden, and unexpected. just like how you never expect lightning to strike the same tree twice or winds to carry rain tasting of the sea. you’d never expect it, but it happens. and there’s not much we can do about it. 

and that’s how i met you. out of the blue and kind of wishing that i never did. 

first day of the semester and probably the worst one. i had gotten little hours of sleep and there was lots of ringing in my ears. it was almost as loud as the pain in my head. a few people brushed past me, barely even noticing the horrid look of terror and anxiety on my face. i remember dragging myself across the hardwood floors, desperately trying not to trip over my own two feet. i hated this. i hated being late, hated not knowing anyone, hated being unprepared. 

like i said, probably the worst day. 

that is, until i fell. 

black hair met a broad chest. old spice fragrance blended with the scent of flowers. books crashed and so did my mind. my white bandana dropped from my head and a circular white hairclip with a simple smiley on it fell from yours. our heads rose in synchrony and your fingers accidentally stroked the back of my hand and i almost felt the spark. “you good?” you asked with a voice that grounded me. I could see the oblivion in your eyes and it was a long drop. I always liked the adrenaline of a fall anyways. 

“i’m fine, just tired.” my words were slurred. 

“just try and be careful next time, eh?” blonde strands fell into your eyes and you brushed them away, almost gracefully. 

“yeah.” i started to make my way to the lecture hall, wary of other people i could crash into, knowing you followed.

i tried to take a seat as far away from everyone as possible, clearly embarrassed, but you just had to sit down right next to me. i could practically feel your eyes staring at the side of my head the whole time. 

i turned to see you, and you rushed to look away. you thought i hadn’t noticed the pink spread across your freckles, but i did. next thing i knew, your pen was plummeting to the ground, how neither of us could recall. i picked it up, maybe out of kindness. once more, your fingers stroked mine and i fell just a little more. 

“what’s your name?” you asked once we walked back into the hallway after a long hour of longing glances and tiny smiles. 

“sapnap.” 

“dream.” you made a face full of curiosity and confusion but only said your name in response. i returned the look. 

~ 

the next time we talked i was even more of a mess and you were somehow even calmer. 

we had just finished our first mid-term of the semester and i had been sitting alone on a bench (for so long that it was almost dark), over-analysing every word i wrote on the crisp white paper. 

hands were gripping my hair and my knees were bouncing uncontrollably, my heel thumping on the concrete in a rhythmic beat. i felt the sweat dripping from my forehead and the noise from everywhere around me increasing noticeably. everything got louder and bigger and more intimidating and i thought the weight of the world was dropped upon my shoulders. the sky above me was spinning and all i could see was my answers scribbled in rushed handwriting all over the landscape. my lungs were collapsing, my skull was closing in on itself and my insides were turning. air only entered in short, desperate gasps. 

it was one test but i felt like my whole life depended on it and i just couldn’t stop thinking. 

until you broke my chain of thought, made me stop in my tracks and take a pause. 

my body immediately froze under the warm touch of a wide palm and strong yet gentle fingers. i snapped my head back and saw concern sprawled all over an unfairly beautiful face. your endless green eyes were always the ones that sent me over the moon and brought me right back down to earth. i slid a bit to the left, giving you space to sit down on the wooden bench. i was pretty aware of your hand that didn’t move from my shoulder well after you seated yourself. you didn’t say anything but you didn’t need to. i still wonder to this day how you knew exactly what i needed at that moment. maybe i was just that readable during those few moments of interactions we had over the past weeks. if nods during our shared classes and waves in the dorm room hallways even counted as interactions. 

we sat there in silence for what seemed like hours until i finally looked up at you and muttered a quiet and almost incoherent, “sorry.” your thumb stopped tracing shapes on my back and you smiled and nodded as if telling me it was nothing. 

“are you okay?” the genuine concern in your voice made me want to spill my deepest, darkest secrets to you. 

“yeah...i just get really stressed sometimes with college and family and-” i might have been oversharing but i didn’t really care.

“dude,” the grip on my shoulder tightened and you cut me off, “you’re rambling…i understand and i’m here for you.” 

i could feel the underlying awkwardness between us but it wasn’t as apparent as the comfort. 

“you barely even know me man,” i scoffed, trying to lighten the mood. 

“well,” it seemed like you caught my drift judging by the smirk on your face, “for starters, i know i’ve never seen you without that headband of yours.” 

“first, it’s a bandana,” i threw back my hands in offence and rushed to correct you. 

“whatever, dude. it’s kinda weird how you’re getting so defensive.” 

“you made it sound like i was a gym beast!” i retaliated, “ second, i could say the exact same thing about your hair clip.” 

you laughed in defeat and looked away. we fell into another period of silence but it wasn’t as filled with tension as it was before. we enjoyed each other’s company like we had known each other for years now. 

“it’s my little sister’s. she gave it to me before i left for college,” your voice, piercing the stillness of the evening, almost made me jump, “it would break her heart if she knew i didn’t wear it.” 

i looked back at you with wide eyes, “like a good luck charm?” 

“something like that, yeah,” the simplicity of what you said was kind of infuriatingly cute.

“that makes my story sound dumb,” i huffed and my cheeks started turning red in embarrassment. 

“oh yeah? let’s hear it then,” you challenged. 

for a split second, i wanted to pour my heart and soul out to you and kiss you under those lingering saffron sunrays which i can still picture in my head. but i didn’t. not yet, anyway. in hindsight, rushing into it might’ve just made it hurt worse after. it’s one thing falling for a stranger and it’s another falling for someone who knew how to climb out so well.

“maybe another time.” 

so many words left unspoken and i almost regretted it. instead, i just gave you a look of prankish-like smiles and eyes twinkling with secrets. it felt gentle and warm (and almost like love). 

~ 

“you okay up there, all alone?” a soothing voice approached, the kind that makes you flustered when it touches your skin. 

i turned my head to see you towering above me with that trademark cocky smirk that never seemed to leave my thoughts. 

“how’d you find me?” i asked with slight annoyance i hoped you knew was a pretence. 

“it wasn’t that hard honestly,” a soft noise of you carelessly throwing yourself onto the roof tiles blended perfectly with your voice, “i only had to look around for you for maybe an hour before karl told me he saw you up here from his window.” 

“that fucker!” i scoffed, maybe secretly happy you came up here. 

“so…what are you up to?” curiosity crept onto your face and you slightly nudged me with your elbow. 

“….what do you think?” my voice was laced with sarcasm and my daringness surprised me a bit. but in my defence, there’s not much one can do after escaping to the rooftop under the stars from a dangerously loud college party. 

“staring at the sky like the damsel in distress you are, waiting for your secret lover to arrive?” you didn’t even skip a beat but my heart did.

“maybe,” i smirked at your face, red from the cold.

“so, sapnap,” you popped the p on my name, “who might that secret lover be?” 

“someone you’ll never know,” i heard a sigh and i paused before continuing, “or maybe you will. you won’t know that either dream.” 

“you’re such an ass!” 

“only cause you ask too many questions.” 

“only cause you’re the most secretive person ever” 

“ow!” i said in response to you shoving my side, “that hurt.” 

silence filled the night again but neither of us seemed to mind it. you were lost in your thoughts about god knows what but the only thing i was lost in was the way the cold air kissed your cheeks and the sky that never seemed to leave your eyes. 

after hours, or maybe minutes, you finally spoke with a genuine tone, “seriously though, you should tell me more stuff.” 

“oh yeah?” i questioned, “like what?” 

“well, you could tell me why you ran off like that?” 

i sighed, knowing there was no way you would let this go now and finally decided to give in, “i got a bit overwhelmed, i guess.” 

“oh,” the soft-hearted tone stuck in your voice, “you could’ve told me, man. you know i would never force you to do something you didn’t want to.” 

“i know,” i replied, still not looking at you.

you hummed in return and gave a small nod. 

“what else do you wanna know?” i asked, testing the waters. i didn’t want to overstep any new boundaries formed in this new stage of our relationship.

the slow and steady rhythm of your breathing paused before you finally answered, “i want to know all your secrets. i want to know what makes you cry when no one’s looking and smile, ear to ear, even when everything’s gone to shit. i want to know everything that goes on in that pretty head of yours, sap.” 

that’s when i shot my head back towards yours and i wondered if you knew you were the only thing i ever thought about. 

a million thoughts ran through my mind with countless scenarios of why you even cared and whether i should answer. honesty is the best policy but is it the safest one? i never wanted to ruin things between us because of stupid feelings. i thought i’d rather live like this than have you away from my grasp. 

fuck it. what did i have to lose anyways? 

“i’m pretty sure i’m falling in love with you, dude.” 

patches of red re-appeared on your face and i hoped it wasn’t from the cold this time.

is this what love feels like? the mesmerising feeling when the moon looks at the sun and the sky looks back at us. all of a sudden love isn’t the butterflies in my stomach and the dizziness in my eyes anymore. it’s just the way you look at me like i’m the only thing in the world. so many stars in the sky that night and yet you were the only thing shining light in my life.

i couldn’t tell if it was you who kissed me or me who kissed you but either way, i knew we'd do it again.

and we did. we continued to allow ourselves to be tangled in each other’s arms while the stars chose to disappear and warm rays of golden shone onto our bodies, still curled up into one another. i watched as the sky turned from black to shades of orange and pink and the universe said i love you because you are love. 

the night had ended and you left once the ringing sound of an alarm brought us back to earth. but, i still lay there with part of me wondering if all that happened was even real. i knew it was though, the taste of vodka still lingered on my lips and your touch still burned on my face. 

~ 

lights flickering and my heart fluttering. a feeling i knew all too well, standing in the middle of my room, waiting for you. the warm summer breeze barged into my walls painted black, right along with you. 

the pack of beers in your hand, the stained couch cushion you sat on, the scattered papers you dropped all over my chestnut brown table, and yet all i could see was you. 

your deep, green eyes, filled with curiosity and love and childishness. your soft, pink lips, curling into a mischievous smile and those spots of red flush brushed all over your face. that’s all i thought i was going to see, maybe for the rest of my life.

“you ready, sap?” the sparkle in your eye never failed to make me smile. 

“sure.” i looked up at you, zipping up my jacket. 

a study date. me and you. your hot cocoa cup clinking with my iced tea glass since i knew you couldn’t stand the scent of coffee. your voice being the only thing i hear in the abyss of noise and your eyes staggering between the books and mine. the endless conversations about college, family, minecraft and whatnot. it was seemingly perfect. 

“george’s coming too, by the way.” 

enter george. fellow comp-sci major with the same late hour missing assignments and the same taste for caffeine. what set us apart then? he was short and indifferent and you were tall and compassionate. a perfect match, wasn’t it? 

my dreams and hopes came shattering down with the light smile you gave me, pretending it’s normal for him to tag along. a quiet ‘o’ sound was all i could mutter out before you grabbed my hand and pulled me towards the mcdonald’s we always sat in. 

i saw your face when you spotted him in the midst of the regular college crowd. your head perked up and your brightened a little too much. “george!” you screamed across the room, excitement clear on your face. 

i tried so hard to push down that stinging feeling in my chest when you scooted next to him, eyes sparkling and smile widening. 

i could go on and on about how you kept laughing at jokes id never understand, grinning at him a little more than me and how your shoulders and arms kept brushing past each other. 

but the thing that stuck out the most and shot an arrow through my heart was how you looked at him. you looked at him the same way i looked at you when we first met with eyes full of curiosity and a feeling similar to love. and i also noticed how that look went away when he walked to the bathroom and i was all you had left. 

i can’t remember silence as loud as the one in the car on our drive back. the tension was so thick i could slice it with a knife. i remember trying to look at the road, the cars, the lights and anything but you. 

“george’s kind of a cute one, isn’t he?” you finally spoke up when we climbed out of the car and the flustered tone in your voice made my heart crack. 

maybe it was my fault for not realising soon enough. maybe i should’ve noticed your nervous fiddling with your hoodie strings whenever he came into sight. maybe it was your way of telling me when you chose to go out with him as i laid sick in bed. maybe i should’ve realised when you started looking at him with those loverboy eyes instead of me. 

maybe it was always him and just not me.

~

the end of the year came quick enough with a surge of assignments, tests and projects and a wave of thunderstorms over those weeks. i think the universe knew, in its own way.

i was sitting on my desk, huddled up with a blanket at around 6 in the morning, still working my way through homework. i had stayed up all night and i almost didn’t want to open the door when i heard a knock. 

somehow i managed to gather enough strength to lift myself off my chair, with my blanket still dragging behind me and i pulled the door open. 

of course it was you who stood there. who else would care enough to come knocking on my door as the sun rises? you were standing there with a drink in your hand and a certain look in your eye you had for the past weeks. i couldn’t quite place it yet but i didn’t pay much mind to it either. 

you pushed the drink into my hand as you made your way into the room and i gladly accepted it, feeling the warmth of it. i walked back to my desk and sat down and you found a spot on the corner of my bed. 

“you look terrible dude.” 

“shut up!” in fairness, you were right. i did look terrible. the purple bags under my eyes stood out against my sickly pale skin and my eyes looked droopy, almost as if i had been crying. 

“you still working on your assignments?” you questioned with your hands stuffed in your rain jacket and i took a sip of the hot tea. 

my eyes snapped towards yours, “yeah. thought you came over to help like you said you would?” 

“shit,” you suddenly looked down at your lap and your voice almost cracked, “i told george i’d help him out with coding stuff.” 

i scoffed. of course you did. it had been a week since we last hung out and you had already cancelled on date night twice. i remember how i almost jumped with joy when you offered to spend a day and help ease the stress off my shoulders. perhaps it was unfair of me to ask you to cancel your plans but i couldn’t help it. 

“well, can’t you just cancel?” i raised my eyebrows. 

“i-i told him i would…i can’t just” 

i cut off your words with a wave of my hand. your hesitation was enough. 

i gave a bitter smile, “whatever. it’s not like it matters anyways.” 

you looked up in confusion and tilted your head like a puppy. even with the distance between us i could feel your rapid heartbeat. the thunder roared and i looked towards the window at the drum-like beat of the rain. 

“what is the hell is that supposed to mean?” i could tell you were starting to get annoyed by the slight increase in your volume. 

i closed my eyelids shut and took a deep breath. you and i both knew what was coming but i don’t think i had the courage or strength to get through it. 

“nothing. just go.” 

you seemed offended at my harsh tone but still made no attempts to comfort me. i didn’t even bat an eyelash as you walked towards the door. 

“do you love him?” the question spilled through my lips before i could stop it and you paused to look at me. if i didn’t deserve your love at least i deserved the truth. 

you didn’t say anything but once again you didn’t need to. i finally understood what it was hiding behind your eyes. it was guilt. it always had been, since the moment you saw him and realised you could’ve had so much more than little old me. 

your silence was deafening and i thought i was going to vomit. 

~

all i was left with now was an empty room, my hand covering my mouth and tears dripping down my cheek. 

the empty beer can you threw across the room, the stained couch cushion you used to sit on, the scattered pieces of my heart you dropped all over my coffee table. they’re not here anymore and but they’re all i’ll ever see in this room i wish you never entered. 

your empty, guarded eyes, filled with nothing. your chapped lips speaking words that shoot right through my heart. those spots of red rage and blue anguish spread across your face and i hate how that’s the last i ever saw of you. 

there’s still burning holes in my skin from where you last touched it but it’s not passion filled fire like the first time. they’re flames that don’t stop until ash is all that’s left of your love and your heart turns to ice. 

i remember sitting in karl’s dorm, waiting for the moment the car got here and i could leave this shitty excuse for a college. i didn’t know what to say so we just sat there, basking in the silence. he said heartbreak doesn’t last long and only hurts for maybe a week or two. i asked karl what it feels like and karl told me not everything has to have words to describe it. 

you remember those stars you always talked about? i sometimes still lay under trying so hard to remember what my life once was without that you-shaped hole in it.

the best love stories were also the ones that ended like this. tragic, and incomplete.

~

**Author's Note:**

> thank you sm for reading! my twitter is @ajaa1209 if you want to check it out maybe. 
> 
> have a lovely day :)


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